Lovestruck
by MirrorDede
Summary: Rufus Barma develops a crush on Xerxes Break and tries various measures to try to win him over. Reim and Gilbert also make appearances in this cracky tale that has more twists than Rufus' ahoge.


**Summary: **Rufus Barma develops a crush on Xerxes Break and tries various measures to try to win him over. Reim and Gilbert also make appearances in this cracky tale that has more twists than Rufus' ahoge.

**Writer's Note:** This was a kink meme request: "So, Barma's developed quite a 'crush' on our favorite albino. He does everything he can to win him over, no matter how embarrassing it is for the other party. xD

You can have smut in here eventually, but I really just want hilariousness. xD"

()

Well, OP, I wrote more words than I expected I would, and I hope you don't mind that I rewrote a bit of PH canon with a new subtext to support this crack pairing. Hopefully it includes enough of what you wanted to make the story a fun read!

**Lovestruck**

Duke Rufus Barma spent his days attending to political duties, tweaking his spy network, reading, harassing his servants and conjuring up illusions. But certain distracting thoughts haunted his mind and left him restless. The honest truth was he was quite desperate for someone to love.

He'd spent decades trying to win the heart of his childhood friend, Sheryl Rainsworth. He'd sent her flowers, love letters and candies, but she just couldn't seem to view him as anything more than a friend, fellow noble, and a silly old man who could easily be talked into pushing her wheelchair.

At sixty-seven years old – though not looking a day over thirty – Rufus had the feeling he was running out of time. Since his efforts with Sheryl had not paid off, and no other woman in the dukedom was willing to join with him to produce an heir, he began to broaden his sights a bit. More and more during Pandora meetings, his mind and eyes would wander, and now and again his eyes would alight on the slender white-haired man known as Xerxes Break.

_I really prefer women_, he thought. _But that Xerxes Break fellow is almost as pretty as one…and there's something about the curve of his chin, the freeness of his laugh, and the way he holds his cane. Hmmm…_

And so it began, very innocently. But as time went on, Rufus' obsession with Break began to get rather intense. He spent hours in front his mirror messing with his hair, trying to emulate the "shock of bangs over one eye" look that the other man had. The end result was never more than a clump of unruly hair that stuck straight up and then down again, which made him look rather idiotic.

When Break would speak at Pandora meetings, Rufus would stand behind Sheryl's wheelchair, gripping the handles tightly to keep his hands from shaking out of sheer lovestruck terror. He loved when Break talked at meetings, because it gave him an excuse to look directly at the man: taking in his smooth complexion, comely features, and formal manner of speech. Rufus himself used quaint old-fashioned language when he spoke, and had quite the fetish for pompous language in general. So when Break used his customary formal speech, Rufus felt all warm and melty inside. _I do believe I'm becoming rather fond of that man, _he thought.

Then there was the trouble that Break kept requesting an audience with Rufus, and the Duke was nerve-wracked at the idea of being alone with his crush, so he kept turning down Break's request. More curious about the man than ever, he began researching Break's past. Once he realized who Break really was, his curiosity was further piqued. _Not only does this man probably know something about the fabled Will of Abyss, he was once an amazingly skilled murderer. If there's anything as sexy as knowledge, it is strength and cunning, and that man has those qualities, in spades._ Rufus was beside himself with excitement.

When Oz wanted to meet with Duke Barma at the opera house, along with that Gilbert fellow and that Alice girl, Rufus decided he would go ahead and invite Break, too. First the Duke appeared as his giant fat counterpart, so he could disguise his nervousness behind the ruse of illusion. But it was Break of all people who shattered his deception, using Mad Hatter. Rufus was upset about this, and cloaked his nervousness with anger, then tried to shame Break by telling the others about his ignoble past. Rufus had to question Break cruelly and mercilessly that day. If he didn't, he was afraid his love for the man might show through and everyone would find out how giddy Break really made him feel. But afterward, he felt a bit guilty about how he'd treated him and wanted to make amends.

()

He started by finding out when Break would be taking a walk in the gardens at Rainsworth manor, and arranged it so he would just happen to be there, too. More familiar with wooing women, not men, Rufus assumed that a bouquet of flowers might be just the ticket to smoothing over any tension between them. With a cluster of freshly picked roses in his hand, he sauntered casually down the path in Break's direction.

The white-haired man was walking briskly, tapping his cane on the ground as he went. He saw Duke Barma coming with a bouquet of flowers, and assumed he was coming to Rainsworth manor to offer the bouquet to Sheryl. So he was quite surprised when Rufus stopped him and thrust the flowers into his own hand.

"For you," Rufus said, smiling. Then he kept walking down the path, leaving Break standing still and dumbfounded.

Break put the flowers in a vase in his room – they were nice red roses after all – and pondered the meaning of them. _Why on earth would he give me flowers?_ he wondered, and after thinking about it for a little while, Break became convinced that the flowers were somehow a hidden recording device that would allow the Duke some insight into what Break got up to in his room. With increasing paranoia, he plucked them out of their vase water and rushed over to the Barma manor. Reim answered the door.

"Please give these – eh excuse me – _return _these to Duke Barma," said Break, handing the flowers to Reim. Then he turned on his heel and walked away.

Reim was too confused to ask questions of either Break or his master. When he delivered the flowers back to the Duke, Rufus took the flowers, left the room, and then returned a moment later with a box of candies.

"Please take these to Xerxes Break."

_I'm not sure I want to know what is going on here_, Reim thought, putting on his coat for the walk to Rainsworth manor.

When Break received the candies, he looked them over carefully for evidence of tampering or poisoning. Since he had run out of candies earlier that day, he quickly decided they were just fine, and put one in his mouth._ It is almost as if Duke Barma is trying to win me over somehow. Or is he just trying to apologize for his behavior before? I hope it's just the latter, because_… for a brief unpleasant moment, Break tried to imagine if the Duke took some kind of romantic interest in him. _He gave me flowers and candies…like he's courting me or something! _He shivered involuntarily.

At the next Pandora meeting, Rufus stuck to his station behind Sheryl and her wheelchair, trying to hide any evidence of erotic arousal on his part. Meanwhile he kept stealing glances at Break, and when he'd catch his eye, he'd smile slyly or wink. _What is he up to?_ thought Break, loosening his collar and wiping a touch of perspiration from his brow.

When it was Break's turn to speak that day, he stammered uncharacteristically and said his part quickly to get it over with, so all eyes would be off of him. Or so he hoped. But Duke Barma kept looking at him, and appeared to be undressing him with his eyes. Break felt his face flush, and tried his best to keep his gaze averted from Rufus for the rest of the meeting.

()

Around the same time, Rufus started checking into Break's library records. He learned what books he had checked out from various libraries in the dukedom, and developed a cunning plan. He carefully perused the tome _Magical Spells_ to learn the secrets of travelling via cabinets, closets and tables – something he knew Break was fond of doing.

Soon after, Break received a letter:

"Dearest Xerxes Break,

I have been admiring you from afar for many years now, and would like the opportunity to show you how much I like you. Please meet me at the opera house tomorrow at noon.

Love,

Your Secret Admirer"

"Oh, Gilbert…" singsonged Break when he saw him the next morning. "I have a little mission for you…"

So Gilbert showed up at the opera house at noon, trying to ascertain for Break just who this secret admirer might be. Rufus was far too sneaky to just show himself directly, so he'd sent his servant Reim to the opera house to stand on lookout.

When Gilbert saw Reim standing around looking every bit his usual uptight self, he smiled and adjusted his hat. _Well, why am I not surprised_, he thought to himself. Reim was busy cleaning his glasses and did not notice him poke his head in the door, so Gilbert snuck off with out even saying hello.

Meanwhile, Rufus had been carefully tracking Break's use of furniture and closets for travel, and made an educated guess about where he might be going that afternoon. Rufus was in luck, and managed to show up in Gilbert's closet right when Break did.

"Ahah!" said Rufus. "Fancy meeting you here." 

Break's eye opened wide in surprise, but was even more surprised when Rufus pressed his body against Break's, pinning him to the back of the closet. He wrapped his arms around the white-haired man and leaned forward to kiss him. Break gasped as the other man's lips pressed against his in a sloppy, wet kiss. Rufus had never kissed anyone before and had little idea how to go about it, so he just mashed his lips against Break's and hoped for the best.

"Ugh!" said Break, squirming away from the horrible tobacco breath and wet lips of the desperate red-haired man.

Break opened the door of Gilbert's closet and tumbled out into Gilbert's room.

"Break?" exclaimed Gilbert, who had just arrived and was taking off his jacket.

Rufus heard Gilbert's voice and – not wanting to be caught - hastily retreated via a spell to his own quarters.

Break wiped his mouth on his sleeve, smoothed down the front of his shirt and faced Gilbert, trying to regain his composure after just having been glomped, smooched and fondled.

"It was Reim," stated Gilbert flatly, hanging up his hat. "Reim was there, cleaning his glasses."

Relaxing into a smile, Break enjoyed the brief moment when he thought Reim might be his secret admirer, until the reality of what had just happened in the closet came back to haunt him in the form of a tobacco stench that lingered on his cravat.

Back in his own room, Rufus was high on the scent and touch of the man he loved. He found a white hair on his jacket, which he sniffed, rubbed with his fingers, and pressed against his cheek. He sat down with a fountain pen and some paper and began to write a love letter he knew he would never send.

"Dearest Xerxes (or should I call you Kevin?),

I adore you with a passion beyond compare. I adore your hair, your face, your neck, your patterns of speech and the way you move, taste and smell. I fear I have become quite obsessed with the notion of possessing you, but I will settle in the short term for just holding, caressing and kissing you. Please be with me.

Everlasting love,

R.B.

"

He tore the letter into tiny shreds, mixed it in with a small pile of tobacco and put both substances in his hookah and smoked it.

()

The next day, Break came to request an audience with Duke Barma, which the man granted with some trepidation.

"Duke Barma-sama," Break said, bowing slightly, "did something 'happen' yesterday, between us?"

"Like what?" the red-haired man murmured, hiding half his face behind his fan.

"You mean you _don't know_?" Break cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. "I thought you knew _everything_."

"You're correct, I do," Rufus said, fanning himself. "I happen to know that yesterday, inside a closet, you encountered an 'illusion' in my form. My illusory form attempted to be affectionate with you, and you wrestled yourself out of my, er, the illusion's arms - and ran off."

"Hmph," said Break, furrowing his brow_. _"Well, I just wanted to check in with you to make sure my mind wasn't playing tricks on me."

"Indeed, an old man like you who has had two contracts needs to be careful he's not going mad. There are potions to help with that, you know," Rufus closed his fan. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to." He knew if he stayed in his crush's presence much longer he was going to faint or glomp him or something. It was easier to just kick the man out and maintain his reputation.

Break left Barma manor and thought about what Rufus had said_. If that had been an illusion there in the closet, I would have sensed his chain. But all I sensed was…warm skin, wet lips, tobacco breath_…Break trembled slightly at the memory of the closet encounter, reliving every second, every caress, every bulge of the other man's body…_if that wasn't the real, living flesh of Duke Rufus Barma, then I've got something seriously wrong with my chain-sensing skills…_

Meanwhile, Rufus adjourned to his private quarters. He sat down in a comfortable chair and closed his eyes, bringing the image of Xerxes Break back into his mind's eye. Smiling blissfully, he recalled every detail of how the man looked; how his hair was just a bit fluffier than usual, that there was a stray bit sticking out in the back, that his cravat had a ring with exactly twelve pearls, and that his chin had the smallest of chocolate stains upon it. _I wish I could have you right here in my arms, my dear_. He wrapped his arms around himself and felt the ache of loneliness envelope him. And then suddenly, he had an idea.

"I can't believe I didn't think of this before!" Rufus jumped out of his chair, and paced the floor, working out the details of his plan.

He summoned his chain and used it to create a perfect, simulated illusion of Xerxes Break, right there in his private chamber. The illusory Break looked, smelled and felt like the real thing. Rufus threw his arms around his creation and kissed it madly, desperately, and felt his kisses returned with all the heat and passion he'd ever yearned for in a lover. The two fell onto the bed and rolled around, entwined in each other, smothering one another with fervent kisses.

"Oh, Rufus-sama!" moaned the illusory Break.

"Oh, Xerxes!" cried Rufus.

Reim of course just happened to be passing by the room and stopped dead in his tracks. He took off his glasses and rubbed them furiously, while quivering at the sudden knowledge that his master and his best friend were getting busy in the Duke's bed.

()

At the next Pandora meeting, Reim saw his master eying Break with a shifty eyed gaze and mischievous smile, and he saw Break looking nervously back at the red-haired man, trying to avoid his gaze but failing miserably. _Why must that man torment me this way?_ Break thought, his faced flushed.

Reim just scowled at Break repeatedly throughout the meeting.

Afterwards, Break grasped Reim's arm and said,

"I know you like me Reim-san. You're just giving me those dirty looks because I found out you're my secret admirer!"

"Secret admirer?" Reim exclaimed in a harsh whisper. "What on earth are you talking about?"

The two men ducked into a side room so they could have a private talk.

"That letter, Reim-san? You know, the-the…letter?" Break looked uncertain in the face of Reim's perplexed facial expression.

"I know nothing about a letter. You can explain that to me when you explain what you were up to the other day in Duke Barma's bedroom!"

"Wh-what?" Break stuttered. "I don't remember being in his bedroom…I must be truly losing my mind, Reim…apparently I keep ending up in places I don't expect to be with people I don't expect to be _with_…"

Reim looked concerned.

"You should talk to Duke Barma about that. He's got a potion that can help with those sorts of…mental problems."

Break looked horrified.

"Oh, don't worry, Xerx. I've talked to Duke Barma about you and he expressed an interest in helping you overcome your troubles with double-contract related internal aging. In fact, he wanted me to tell you to visit him so you two can discuss it. And since it sounds like you two are already on good terms…."

Break didn't hear the rest. He ran down the hall and shut himself in his room and didn't come out until he'd consumed every last candy he had.

**END**


End file.
